What Makes a Woman a Mother

What makes a woman a mother? She who delivers her baby in a normal way? Yeah, there are a lot of people stating that nonsense sentence. “A mother is a woman who delivers her very own baby in a natural way. NOT the epidural ones, neither the C-Sections ones, especially not them who have their babies with surrogacy and adoption”. It was a seriously heartbreaking statement to hear, a terrible misjudgment by the so called mothers-women-society just because they had babies before and in a normal way. (article continues below)

I live in the modern era, which makes me automatically think that people’s mind and way of thinking are following the technological advancements. Apparently, it was not. People evolved but only in the field of the way they dress, the way they style themselves, the way they live their life. But some things never changed, for example, narrow-minded thoughts on sensitive issues, just like that. Or, simply has no clear understanding.

Just 2 weeks before my due date, we found out that I needed to go under C-Sections to deliver the baby. It was for medical reasons; the baby’s weight, the umbilical cord wrapped his neck, his position in the womb, and my pelvis was too small for the baby to go through so he was stuck and could not move. It was a stressful time. I was in a high risk age to deliver a baby, so add it to the list. Then I had to process it all. Despite having a Bachelor in Nursing degree, it was not helping at all to ease my panic and overthinking. And don’t forget, I was in a new phase of accepting the high possibility of acquiring Bipolar Disorder. It was chaotic and frightful. I knew the risks if we were forced to do the normal delivery, either we lost the baby or my husband would lose both baby and me. But on the other hand, C-Sections also come with its own risk. In the end, after a long but clear discussion with the Obstetrician, we agreed to follow the procedure.

I kept it as a thing no need to tell everyone about. Even my parents had no idea until the very day I was admitted to the hospital. But the neighborhood is different, I should say. Until one time, I had to share about the plan, and one of the women blatantly said: “Hmm, you are not going to be a real mother if you do the surgery. You will not experience the real deal.” I was just standing there, all smiling. I had thousands of words to say against her comment, but I knew it was just a waste of time to do so. Now imagine I had to listen to this statement almost every time I met her before the surgery schedule. She would say, “I delivered three kids, all of them were big babies, but I did very good and even not hospitalized. You chose the easy way.”

I wish I could let out some harsh words, but instead I tried to understand her way of thinking. She was quite older than me, from different backgrounds of family and education. I would say, mostly we were put in a situation where we were the “victim” but we had to put ourselves in their shoes to understand them while they did not.

“The first recorded account of a C-Section in U.S history was in 1830, but back then the main concern was only to save the mothers. Only until we reached the 20th century, the babies were included in the focus for life savings. Fast forward to present days, c-sections become common”1) No matter how many supporters or opponents to this option, I prefer to let the decision up to the woman. With or without medical reasons.

Personally, I envy the women who deliver in a normal way. Why? Because from my personal opinion, they could go and do everything they want to do, just in a short amount of time after delivery. But having c-sections was like giving up most of my favorites for quite a long time before I am able and allowed to do them all again. I had to wait for at least 6 hours after surgery to get permission just to take a sip of water. Needed to wait until I could “let out a gush of wind” to get permission for having a soft meal, and that was 21 hours after surgery, or 31 hours after I started fasting. I had to practice walking, the day after surgery, and it was super painful. Even a single mild movement sent a shock at the wound area and my whole body. The pain itself still appears 24 hours/day until 4 weeks after surgery, and a subtle pain every time during the day until this article is written, 5 months after surgery. And guess what, the doctor said I can expect to feel the pain until at least 2 years from now. Furthermore, there is still another stuff of “Not To Do List”. How sweet is that?

How come those hardships are still called as “not going to be a real mother”? Who was the ultimate judge to state this hurtful judgment?

Then what exactly the definition of being a mother? Is there a rule to follow? Are there any guidelines, or form to fill in then continue a test to see if we pass it or not? After that, once we pass the test, will we get a card or a license to show everyone that we are an officially registered mother? Will the license apply forever or should there will be any renewal, retest, or upgrading?

Mother. No rules should apply to determine a woman’s ability or capability to be a mother. Being a mother is a natural process. A woman can be a mother to a child she did not give birth to. One woman could connect with her baby right away after delivery, while others might need days, weeks or months before establishing a deep connection. You can even check the dictionary, it says a mother is a woman in relation to her child or children (noun). While as a verb, mother is she who brings up a child with care and affection, and she who gives birth.2) Or if this is still not enough, you may go and check Merriam-Webster, what said and explain about mother.3)

Surely women nowadays started to accept and understand that the way to deliver a baby is not to determine how a woman is a mother or not. A woman may raise more than one child, but it does not give her the right to judge nor shame a woman without child or a woman with only child. The number of children raised is not a trophy to show of! Neither is it a proof to show an achievement nor the success of a child or a failure, a determination of a mother’s success and failure as well. No education can prepare a woman to become a perfect mother. It can be an experience from a woman’s life through her life, it can be taught by her parents from the way they raised her, and even learn from the bad experiences. A woman can hold a master degree, can hold a high - end position in a company, can have abundant money, but can not guarantee her of becoming a mother. While on the other hand, a woman might have nothing, but dearly loved and cared by her children as she is a loving mother for them.

“Being a mother is a dream for most women” 4). But sadly, some women waste away their gifts, neglecting their children.

Being a mother is a lifetime task, no break, no wage, no pension, no rewards nor a certificate.

My mother once told me: “I don’t have any certificates to prove that I am a proud mother of 2 brilliant children. There are no papers to put in a frame and hang on the wall to prove that I succeed in raising my children. Your health, happiness and achievement in life, those are my certificate.”

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